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23 December 2004 @ 06:38 pm
"Attention, conteste--passengers..."  
"...I hope your telepathic receptors can pick up these thoughts, as it is against company policy to give any information over the intercom. If you are waiting on any of the 3 flights departing simultaneously from gate E2A, please form a large blob in front of the ticket counter.

If you are waiting on standby for Syracuse, the flight crew showed up drunk, and there will be further delays while we recalibrate the breathalyzers to show them as 'sober'. All Syracuse passengers are asked to please shove the passenger to your right at this time. If you are waiting to fly to Louisville, please at this time shove the passenger standing to your left.

If you need information or boarding passes for a flight other than the one the gate agent is currently thinking about, please step up to the ticket counter. Deborah will be glad to ignore you for 30 minutes, followed by a curt 'Back the hell off, your flight hasn't left yet!' for your convenience. If you wish further assistance, please ascertain her desk's extension number, and call it on your cellular phone.

In conclusion, we'd like to thank you for vainly attempting to fly United. We value you as a customer, as long as we don't have to actually provide you any service. United: We Have No Idea Why We're Bankrupt."
 
 
 
Urocyon abiectiusurocyon on December 24th, 2004 01:11 am (UTC)
...please form a large blob in front of the ticket counter.

ASSEMBLE TO FORM MEGA-PASSENGER!  ATTACK!
M. C. A. Hogarthhaikujaguar on December 24th, 2004 09:50 am (UTC)
Heehee!!
Aurethaureth on December 24th, 2004 02:14 am (UTC)
Fly Midwest Express out of Milwaukee. Much better than nasty old O'Hare. :P
M. C. A. Hogarthhaikujaguar on December 24th, 2004 09:50 am (UTC)
The trip out was that good, huh. ;)
Brendanroho on December 24th, 2004 04:03 pm (UTC)
And how!

The hyperbole in that message was actually fairly limited; there were indeed 3 flights leaving from the same gate within about a half hour of each other. The Syracuse flight was actually delayed due to an over-partied flight crew. The customers really were made to wait in an unruly blob before the desk, so you couldn't tell who needed service, and who was just waiting. And the desk agent really did leave us standing there at the desk for 30-45 minutes without even an acknowledgement as she did any number of other things. And we finally after all that time politely inquired with, "Um, we'd just like to get our boarding passes," she actually did retort with, "You just need to back off and find some patience, your flight isn't even boarding yet!"

And that didn't even include the parts where they asked some Syracuse passengers to give up their seats for a later flight (which turned out to be two days later), or where they left us sitting on the plane at the gate for almost an hour, before sending a gate agent on with this message of holiday cheer:
"Due to weight considerations, we've been forced to remove a small number of checked bags for shipping on a later flight."
"Oh...do you know whose, so we don't have to wait at the baggage claim if we're one of the unlucky ones?"
"No, we did it randomly."
"Er, okay. How many is a few?"
"...29."
(There were 54 total seats on the flight)

Amazingly ours made it, but we're still not feeling any particulat warm fuzzies towards United at this point :P
Prester Scott: mad dogprester_scott on December 24th, 2004 04:18 pm (UTC)
*makes note to self* OK... when I am forced to fly at all, it won't be United.
Fiskfiskblack on December 24th, 2004 07:05 pm (UTC)
I only fly Hooters Air if I can help it!

Jay Naylor
gypsypetgypsypet on December 27th, 2004 01:49 am (UTC)
Bwaahaahaa, Happy Festivus, huh?! =p

The Captaincaptain18 on December 27th, 2004 02:58 pm (UTC)
I have found United's ground employees to be the rudest and least communicative in the industry. The flight crews are better, but by that time the damage is already done!