December 23rd, 2004

Yeah I'm bad

"Attention, conteste--passengers..."

"...I hope your telepathic receptors can pick up these thoughts, as it is against company policy to give any information over the intercom. If you are waiting on any of the 3 flights departing simultaneously from gate E2A, please form a large blob in front of the ticket counter.

If you are waiting on standby for Syracuse, the flight crew showed up drunk, and there will be further delays while we recalibrate the breathalyzers to show them as 'sober'. All Syracuse passengers are asked to please shove the passenger to your right at this time. If you are waiting to fly to Louisville, please at this time shove the passenger standing to your left.

If you need information or boarding passes for a flight other than the one the gate agent is currently thinking about, please step up to the ticket counter. Deborah will be glad to ignore you for 30 minutes, followed by a curt 'Back the hell off, your flight hasn't left yet!' for your convenience. If you wish further assistance, please ascertain her desk's extension number, and call it on your cellular phone.

In conclusion, we'd like to thank you for vainly attempting to fly United. We value you as a customer, as long as we don't have to actually provide you any service. United: We Have No Idea Why We're Bankrupt."